it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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