the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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