The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I forget how to act sober
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
