there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
