my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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