i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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