one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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