dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
