Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize