I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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