FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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