my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
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