I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
