I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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