I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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