I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
