my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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