I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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