I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
