His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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