capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
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