"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
