when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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