I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
