did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
