At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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