my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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