so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
