I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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