He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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