You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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