mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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