Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize