So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
