Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Less talking, more tequila
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
