I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
