You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
