i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
