Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
