Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
