Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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