I wish I only lived at night.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
