you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
