I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
