I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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