paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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