You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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