Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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