If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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