apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
