so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
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Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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