and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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