life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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