Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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