her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
