if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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