my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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