True but thats because hes a fetus.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
