My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
