and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
