He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
