i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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