I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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