When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
